Early 2 Bed

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Re-start the gratitude - Day 1

Ok so I am restarting my gratitude journal.

I am hoping to inspire some more "ing" in my life.

Things that made me happy today

1. Talking to Adela about becoming a nun
2. Remembering the spiritual power of DMT
3. Easter food.
4. Thinking about the trip.
5. Megs texts
6. Stage 2, dfp, pen pal
7. My comfy bed.
8. Laughing with tiff

What is going on?

I have no idea what is going on with me. Isn't this what I wanted? I feel so confused and overwhelmed. Why are you being too much? Or why am I perceiving you to be too much? You are giving me your heart and it is scary. I feel guilty even typing this but I am hoping that this ranting clears my head? What am I doing? I am horrified by my state of well being right now and am consistantly on the verge of vomiting. Please take some of it back, I cannot hold it all.

hard times.

We are.
Falling.
Apart.
Crash,boom landing on a center run way between midway and o'hare,
somewhere stuck in a loop of arguments and disagreements, none of which even matter.
The tears left unseen, a voice left unheard.
Is it really better that way?
When one voice speaks and the other falls silent.
Broken prayers and uncessary concentrations.
Who are we to judge one another.
Your words are just as important as mine.

National Coming Out Day

Today, being the holiday and all, I was thinking a lot of being closeted. It is interesting because as a student at Columbia, I have always been completely honest about my sexuality. I have been "out" as one could say. It was definitely one of the first times/places in my life where I feel like I could truly have the space to do that.

Part of it was me being ready to say "Hi, this is me. Love it or Hate it, I don't give a fuck because it is me" and part of it was being in a welcoming community for the first time.

I think that that second part really sucks. It disappoints and saddens me to think that I have allowed myself to be so closeted in social situations and in the work place especially. In working at the Chicago Center for the past year you would think that I would be able to be open, especially given how the center does try to introduce students to the LGBTQ community, but unfortunately I just never truly felt the space.

I think there were a number of factors contributing to this. Some of my co-workers still were blatantly a bit homophobic, and my closest friend who was also bisexual was also not out (well not really since she had a boyfriend and all). I think our close personal relationship really limited my individual expression of pride, and honestly, I still think it does.

I hate it. But at the same time, am I really ready to accept that identity and be out, open and free with the world? It is scary. I realized that this weekend was the first time in my life that I truly was really just out with another female, kissing and touching and all that. I gotta say it felt very natural to be with her but at the same time, I could feel the stares and comments made under breath. It would be easy to say "I don't care" but the fact is that I was extremely curious about what these people were saying or thinking.

One guy hung out of his car shouting "You look really good together! I understand!!!" That was cool. A very enthusiastic response. I want to have the strength to walk through the world with the same feeling that I had when I put myself on the line at Columbia. I need to acknowledge the fear that I and many other LGBTQ people face, coming out.

So much to do, so many people to be open with. Although, I am not ready to go there today, in time I believe I will be. One stranger, friend or family member at a time.

So let this be a declaration, however private, that I am a beautiful 23 year old bisexual woman who is proud to say she has a heart and body that loves both men and women. I consider it a gift, and I believe God made me this way for a reason. Couldn't and wouldn't change it. I'd like to finish with a quote that I read today by a feminist icon. I relate to her radical stance from the early 1900's.

"In itself, homosexuality is as limiting as heterosexuality; the idea should be to be capable of loving a man or woman; either a human being; without fear, restraint or obligation."

-Simone de Beauvoir

I support love in all forms and was meant to give it in the same way. <3

home

This is my house,
It's where I live,
But it's not my home.

(I wish it was,I want you not to be my home anymore.)

my heart hurts.

My heart hurts so bad and I don't see an antidote in sight. I miss you so much. I write this as tears fall gently down my face and my chest stings. "There is not one day I don't think of you" and I sit here and wonder if you are thinking of me now, if you can feel me now. I thought you loved me. I am still confused if you did or not. If I was this thing that you wanted so much but just couldn't let yourself have or what. I feel like I am dying inside and I want to go home which is unfortunate because the only place that feels like home right now is your arms and they are nowhere in sight.

And won't be for a long time.