Today, being the holiday and all, I was thinking a lot of being closeted. It is interesting because as a student at Columbia, I have always been completely honest about my sexuality. I have been "out" as one could say. It was definitely one of the first times/places in my life where I feel like I could truly have the space to do that.
Part of it was me being ready to say "Hi, this is me. Love it or Hate it, I don't give a fuck because it is me" and part of it was being in a welcoming community for the first time.
I think that that second part really sucks. It disappoints and saddens me to think that I have allowed myself to be so closeted in social situations and in the work place especially. In working at the Chicago Center for the past year you would think that I would be able to be open, especially given how the center does try to introduce students to the LGBTQ community, but unfortunately I just never truly felt the space.
I think there were a number of factors contributing to this. Some of my co-workers still were blatantly a bit homophobic, and my closest friend who was also bisexual was also not out (well not really since she had a boyfriend and all). I think our close personal relationship really limited my individual expression of pride, and honestly, I still think it does.
I hate it. But at the same time, am I really ready to accept that identity and be out, open and free with the world? It is scary. I realized that this weekend was the first time in my life that I truly was really just out with another female, kissing and touching and all that. I gotta say it felt very natural to be with her but at the same time, I could feel the stares and comments made under breath. It would be easy to say "I don't care" but the fact is that I was extremely curious about what these people were saying or thinking.
One guy hung out of his car shouting "You look really good together! I understand!!!" That was cool. A very enthusiastic response. I want to have the strength to walk through the world with the same feeling that I had when I put myself on the line at Columbia. I need to acknowledge the fear that I and many other LGBTQ people face, coming out.
So much to do, so many people to be open with. Although, I am not ready to go there today, in time I believe I will be. One stranger, friend or family member at a time.
So let this be a declaration, however private, that I am a beautiful 23 year old bisexual woman who is proud to say she has a heart and body that loves both men and women. I consider it a gift, and I believe God made me this way for a reason. Couldn't and wouldn't change it. I'd like to finish with a quote that I read today by a feminist icon. I relate to her radical stance from the early 1900's.
"In itself, homosexuality is as limiting as heterosexuality; the idea should be to be capable of loving a man or woman; either a human being; without fear, restraint or obligation."
-Simone de Beauvoir
I support love in all forms and was meant to give it in the same way. <3
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