hard times.

We are.
Falling.
Apart.
Crash,boom landing on a center run way between midway and o'hare,
somewhere stuck in a loop of arguments and disagreements, none of which even matter.
The tears left unseen, a voice left unheard.
Is it really better that way?
When one voice speaks and the other falls silent.
Broken prayers and uncessary concentrations.
Who are we to judge one another.
Your words are just as important as mine.

National Coming Out Day

Today, being the holiday and all, I was thinking a lot of being closeted. It is interesting because as a student at Columbia, I have always been completely honest about my sexuality. I have been "out" as one could say. It was definitely one of the first times/places in my life where I feel like I could truly have the space to do that.

Part of it was me being ready to say "Hi, this is me. Love it or Hate it, I don't give a fuck because it is me" and part of it was being in a welcoming community for the first time.

I think that that second part really sucks. It disappoints and saddens me to think that I have allowed myself to be so closeted in social situations and in the work place especially. In working at the Chicago Center for the past year you would think that I would be able to be open, especially given how the center does try to introduce students to the LGBTQ community, but unfortunately I just never truly felt the space.

I think there were a number of factors contributing to this. Some of my co-workers still were blatantly a bit homophobic, and my closest friend who was also bisexual was also not out (well not really since she had a boyfriend and all). I think our close personal relationship really limited my individual expression of pride, and honestly, I still think it does.

I hate it. But at the same time, am I really ready to accept that identity and be out, open and free with the world? It is scary. I realized that this weekend was the first time in my life that I truly was really just out with another female, kissing and touching and all that. I gotta say it felt very natural to be with her but at the same time, I could feel the stares and comments made under breath. It would be easy to say "I don't care" but the fact is that I was extremely curious about what these people were saying or thinking.

One guy hung out of his car shouting "You look really good together! I understand!!!" That was cool. A very enthusiastic response. I want to have the strength to walk through the world with the same feeling that I had when I put myself on the line at Columbia. I need to acknowledge the fear that I and many other LGBTQ people face, coming out.

So much to do, so many people to be open with. Although, I am not ready to go there today, in time I believe I will be. One stranger, friend or family member at a time.

So let this be a declaration, however private, that I am a beautiful 23 year old bisexual woman who is proud to say she has a heart and body that loves both men and women. I consider it a gift, and I believe God made me this way for a reason. Couldn't and wouldn't change it. I'd like to finish with a quote that I read today by a feminist icon. I relate to her radical stance from the early 1900's.

"In itself, homosexuality is as limiting as heterosexuality; the idea should be to be capable of loving a man or woman; either a human being; without fear, restraint or obligation."

-Simone de Beauvoir

I support love in all forms and was meant to give it in the same way. <3

home

This is my house,
It's where I live,
But it's not my home.

(I wish it was,I want you not to be my home anymore.)

my heart hurts.

My heart hurts so bad and I don't see an antidote in sight. I miss you so much. I write this as tears fall gently down my face and my chest stings. "There is not one day I don't think of you" and I sit here and wonder if you are thinking of me now, if you can feel me now. I thought you loved me. I am still confused if you did or not. If I was this thing that you wanted so much but just couldn't let yourself have or what. I feel like I am dying inside and I want to go home which is unfortunate because the only place that feels like home right now is your arms and they are nowhere in sight.

And won't be for a long time.

Sometimes I forget where my fingertips end and yours begin, falling through cascades of body shivers and sweat soaked sweet skin. Your warmth against mine, grows in the night.

I am sitting here. Scared. I am a warrior and I am scared. The change is defining, and my life is changing before my eyes, and I have the power to stop it, or not.

But I won't.

I can't stop this train because it is pulling into union station and unloaded so many pieces of spoiled luggage and its carrying the gifts of the creator. Chooooo choooooo. Changing paces, fastest speeds, and I KNNEWWWW YOOOUUU, sometimes more than others, and I FEEELLLLL YOOOUUUU, changing colors as the smoke, from my engine,keeps burning as the vision, of you grows smaller and smaller in the distance, I still love you. But I am chugging ahead to new distances, far from delirious notions, wishes.

I know I am doing the right thing I know, and regrets I'll never show it.

Pull the train into the station, whats the label whats the nation, it says FREEE EEE DOMMM.

Goodbye.

Goodbye letter from my heart to yours.

I want to write you a poem that sends shivers through your spine and wind through your hair, that makes you believe in the impossible. I want to write you a sonnet that makes your heart break like mine did every time you said no and too much.

I am ending it there.

What I really want to say is that I love you anyways and probably always will.

And it has been a very sad journey going from the belief that love is everything to the realization that love just isn't enough to make us work because you don't think like me.

But I love you anyways.

Goodbye twin soul, I just can't let you linger in my heart anymore.

A favor?

Can I ask you a favor?
Can you please stop smelling like you do?
With your honey filled lips and eclipsed eyes.
Quit it.
You give my cheeks a tingling sensation,
and I am going to have to slap myself to make it right.
So please.
Stop walking so tall, and keeping your skin so tight.
Cuz I am about to lose my shit.
And we know, that that won't be good for either of us.

This Transcendence,
is far from,
coincidental.
Brushing burnt pieces of flesh,
from our our shoulders.
Incinerated from the fire,
that once (still) burns between us.
We call ourselves,
Survivors.
We call ourselves,
Saviors.
We call ourselves,
Preachers
We are anything but;
A legacy of sorts.
Residue, debris and remnants
of the movements we shared,
left over for our feasting.
But we will remain,
Unrightfully,
Starved.
Walking forward,
with the ashes of lust,
on our cheekbones,
highlighting our faces like,
expensive rouge.
Flawed beauty, damp fingers
and eyes,
Stroll out of the havoc we left,
The marring we can't seem to clean up.

I am Deeply Rooted.
Every tendril of my body embraces,
the gift,
of movement.
I dance the dance of a thousand souls,
but most importantly,
mine.
I am Deeply Rooted,
we as a circle connected
within
the apple core of humanity.
Flesh live, blood fresh.
I am Deeply Rooted,
believing in the power of one voice,
a touch,
an embrace with existence,
on the tip toe of the universe I believe.
I am Deeply Rooted.
Thriving in the stillness of extension,
the union of us all,
In Breath.
I see, learn and feel you.
I am Deeply Rooted.
I am you and you are me,
but we are not the same,
our chests rise and fall together though,
the syncrinicity of mother earth.
My love and hers.
I am.

Day 8

From yesterday

1. The moon
2. Whitney being funny
3.VM from Lindsay about DMT
4. Scott's email about workshop
5. Talking to rachel while watching SYTYCD
6. Night Air
7. Emilie's haircut
8. Deciding to write a book
9. Forgiveness
10. Laying on the office floor at lunch

Day 7

C-Day

1. Having Emilie be such an incredible friend and come home when I was sobbing
2. Cheddar Popcorn
3. The move going well
4. Maria answering my every call
5. The perfect breeze in the afternoon
6. Walking around the neighborhood with Will
7. Will's smile
8. Having so many neighbors and friends say hello

Day 6

From yesterday

1. Beers at 11am at work
2. Finishing a huge job
3. Talking about Detroit with Emilie and Steve
4. Nathans for lunch
5. Extra pickles
6. The breeze in the evening
7. Nap
8. Adventure to find Nitty
9. Emilie being hilarious
10. Sleeping on the love seat for the last time!
11. Being pissed instead of sad

Day 5

1. Slurpees
2. Beasting the air conditioners
3. Laughing with Whitney
4. Seeing Will Security looking fine as ever
5. Barrel of Monkeys
6. Discovering what an 8-mile city is
7. Thinking about St. Clair Shores
8. Remembering my energy inspires people to do good things
9. Being grateful for having such an incredible friend in Maria
10. Air conditioning
11. Awkward engagement photos and family photos
12. Making a doctors appointment
13. Having my sunburn turn into a tan
14. Spaghetti
15. Josh's compliment on my haircut
16. Breathing easier

Day 3 and 4

These days are a little tougher to write about because they started or ended poorly.

Challenge.

Day 3

1. Shrek Party
2. Free McDonalds
3. My awesome green punch
4. Andrew killing the whole green cookie I made at the end
5. Being awesome at FlipCup
6. LADIES LADIES LADIES!
7. Sitting on Tiff's roof smoking a black
8. Comfortable socks
9. Cartwheels

Day 4

1. Being honest
2.The heat
3. The beach
4. Lake Michigan
5. Being sundrunk
6. XO noodle roll from Ken Kee
7. Funny chafing conversation
8. Being a fantastic "work amy"
9. New tan lines

2nd Day

So I forgot to write in this before bed. But here is what I remember from yesterday being great.

1. Learning about Puerto Rican Culture
2. Being Reinspired to play my Djembe by learning about the Boomba Drum
3. Doing a good job in the midst of a major work crisis, in which the executive director of the organization I work for congratulated me.
4. Motivating myself to really paint something while I am here
5. Whitney telling me to just shut my phone off, and all I needed was right around me(my friends and sangria)
6. Expressing myself.
7. Watching Psycho
8. Falling asleep on the couch and waking up during the credits.
9. Destroying feelings of being 2nd best
10. The way my comforter felt wrapped around my body as I faded off into sleep.

First Day

I have decided to start a blog in which every day I reflect on 5 things that made me happy.

I am hoping that this blog helps to remind me that even though life can be insanely hard, it is always insanely beautiful at the same time.

It is so easy to remember the things that sucked about the day, but to seek out the beauty takes a bit more focus.

So cheers to lightening my life up!

Things that made me happy today

1. Walking down Michigan Avenue by Tribune Tower (my favorite building in chicago)
2. Having my hair look really good for T.V.
3. Judge Mathis being amusing and being seated front row in the court room
4. Canceling my membership at Ultimate Exposure
5. The lady behind us at Judge Mathis making a joke about how Emilie and Andrew should get a room because of the PDA
6.Remembering how much I love the city and how lucky I am to live here.
7. Jay-Z's song "Thank you"